"Whoa there, big guy. What are you doing?" I asked as I quickly made my way over to him and took the now empty bottle out of his hand.
He just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know."
Shit. What do I do? Should I go get Claire? I don't want the kid to think I'm a traitor though. He would get mad at me for tattling on him. Wait, I was the adult. I couldn't let him walk all over me. I needed to let him know who the boss was. And right now, it wasn't Tony Danza.
"I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be putting toothpaste on your floor, are you?" I asked.
"That's a dumb question, Carter. Of course he's not supposed to put toothpaste on the floor," Drew said seriously.
I looked back over my shoulder and gave him a dirty look.
"I know that. I'm trying to get him to admit what he did was wrong," I said through clenched teeth.
"Okay there, Dr. Phil. I'm pretty sure he knows it's wrong otherwise he wouldn't have done it. Kids are dumb. They do things they aren't supposed to all the time because they can. Being an adult sucks. I could never get away with putting toothpaste on my floor now."
It was like dealing with two children.
"Why would you…you know what? Never mind," I said, turning back around to face Gavin.
"Your mom wouldn't be too happy about you making this mess. How about you show me where the towels are and we'll clean it up before she sees it."
There. He won't hate me for telling on him and I still let him know it was bad. I am an awesome parent.
Obviously Gavin was very excited to clean if it meant we didn't tell Claire what he did. I briefly wondered if she was going to find out and possibly cut my penis off or smother me in my sleep. And then I wondered if I told her, would Gavin punch me in the nuts again, or maybe go for the throat this time? I don't know whether to fear my kid or his mother.
Twenty minutes later, the carpet was good as new and Drew and I were sitting Indian-style in the middle of Gavin's room, praying to every higher power we knew that the girls wouldn't walk in the room right this minute.
Gavin had decided we should play dress up. We tried getting him to play something manly like cops and robbers, running with scissors or lighting shit on fire – anything but this. Unfortunately, you couldn't win an argument with a four-year old no matter how much you tried. Drew and I were both currently dressed as babies, complete with pacifiers in our mouths and holding on to stuffed animals. He stuck us each in these giant sun hats of Claire’s that flopped down over our faces. Drew’s was pink and mine was white. I drew the line at putting on one of his old, unused diapers that he found in a drawer in his closet from before he was potty trained.
"Hey, Uncle Drew, I have a secret to tell you," Gavin said.
Drew pulled the pacifier out of his mouth.
"Give it to me."
Gavin leaned in by his ear and whispered just loud enough for me to be able to hear him.
"You smell like beef and cheese."
Gavin pulled back from Drew’s ear and Drew rolled his eyes at him.
"Dude, your secret sucks," he said.
"YOU SUCK!" Gavin yelled.
"Guys, dinner is ready so you should…"
Claire’s words were cut off when she rounded the corner of the room and caught us. The abrupt halt to her feet caused Jenny, who had been following close behind, to smack into the back of her. Claire put her hand over her mouth to hide her giggles. Jenny couldn't have cared less about shielding her enjoyment of the situation. She bent over at the waist laughing her ass off out loud and pointing.
"Oh my God, someone tell me they have a camera," Jenny said in between laughs.
"Do you want me to spit up? Because I'm not afraid to go there," Drew threatened.
Both of us ripped off our baby crap while the girls laughed and gave Gavin high-fives. Drew and I stood up while Jenny lifted Gavin into her arms and told him how awesome he was and cooed all over him. He ate up every word and I swear that kid smirked at us as he put his head down on Jenny’s chest – which was currently on full display with her low-cut top and push-up bra.
"Oh my God, I am so jealous of that kid right now. I wish I was cradled to her tits. Cradled like a baby," Drew whispered.
"Do you hear yourself right now?" I asked as we all walked out of Gavin's room and into the dining room where we were greeted by Liz and Jim who were already seated.
After an extremely delicious dinner where there was only minimal fighting between the two children, and by children I mean Drew and Gavin, Claire started bringing out tray after tray of all her sweet goodies.
Now all I could think of were Claire’s sweet goodies on a tray; her delicious num-nums on a silver platter. I would love to eat her off of a tray. I want to lick her Globs.
"Carter, do you want some?"
"Awwwww, Carter said the t-u-l word mom!" Gavin tattled.
“Who taught you how to spell?” Drew asked with a sneer.
“Dude, I’m four,” Gavin replied.
I excused myself to go to the bathroom before I did something even more embarrassing. I stood there peeing and trying not to think about Claire being naked on a tray when the bathroom door suddenly opened and Gavin walked in.
"Oh, hey there, Gavin,” I said nervously as I tried to turn my body away from him without interrupting the flow. “Uh, I'm kind of going to the bathroom here buddy. Can you shut the door?"